omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
