Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
