The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
