help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
