I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize