Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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