then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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