Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
