I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
