I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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