Tell her she can't have a vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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