you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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