with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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