My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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