Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
In other news, I just burned my penis
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
