don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
