did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
