You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
