So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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