Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm always down for nudity.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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