I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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