I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
