So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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