i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize
