I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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