I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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