laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize