I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
