so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
