She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
