Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
