Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
