You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I party with great urgency now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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