So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
