White coat. Heels.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
