True but thats because hes a fetus.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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