Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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