In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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