I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
