I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i need some magic done to my vagina
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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