I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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