I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
