The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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