nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You made out with two different species that night
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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