I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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