dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
