In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm just crazy horny about you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
