it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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