my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
