My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
