I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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