I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
