so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
