When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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