id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
