i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
