So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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